Leaving My Career

“Don’t go back to your nets…”

Hello, Again

This is a blog post I have been formulating in my mind for many months… yet as I sit here with fingers on keyboard, the words to string the thoughts together are lost before me. My heart and mind have been a puddle of thoughts, a soup filled to the brim with the ingredients of learning and life - some nourishing, some with funky textures, some outright unnecessary to the making of perfect soup. Yet here we are, back on my blog page with white canvas before me, sitting with an old familiar friend called, “My Love for Writing.”

I do admit I have lost this beloved habit in recent years. Though I have always loved the art of words on pages to express the inner workings of being human, these last few years have honestly challenged me in a way that have stopped me in my tracks when I return to the pages to write. Much life has happened, and not that it has all been particularly dramatic or life-altering, but it has been enough to force me to take a back seat and put down the Writer’s Pen for a moment. The processing wheels in my mind have been constantly turning, my mind a place of sifting Truth, seeking the Word, gleaning from wise counsel, and sitting in the silence of surrender as I lay all things at the Maker’s feet.

But I desire to find words again. To make sense of this world that looks so vastly different (and should) as a born-again believer in Jesus Christ. To capture the intricate mystery of a life hidden in Christ, yet still lived in mortal body… flesh, emotions, and real experiences that can only occur to whom is called “Human.”

So, forgive me as I fumble over letters, words, and phrases as I attempt to find my footing again as a writer and blogger. There are a lot of wild, beautiful things unfolding for my family in this season and I truly want to bring you along the journey. So, consider this my, “Hello” again.

On Leaving…

The first “life event” that has put me at a loss for words is my decision to officially walk away from my career as a Registered Nurse. This is one that often (dare I say always) brings lots of opinions from others. That might be part of the reason I can never find the words to say. This decision has been one I’ve wrestled with for many years. Actually, even in nursing school, I contemplated leaving it often.

Before moving on - let me address all of the wonderfully caring and concerned adults in my life who may be reading this.
Yes, I know God has a reason for everything.
I know nursing is a wonderful mission field, career, and financial opportunity.
I know there are so many different avenues that it can be used and that nothing is wasted.
I know there may be open doors available in my life simply because I have this degree and certifications surrounding it.
(These things I have heard often and from many - know that I truly treasure your advice and guidance).
I don’t necessarily regret having completed nursing school and practicing as a nurse in different seasons (I have seen the Lord work mightily and I would not be who I am today without my experiences), but there is something extremely important that I have learned to finally accept after all of these years that speaks volumes over any of those other factors…

The importance of the voice of God.

I write this with great care and hesitancy, because I fully believe that surrounding ourselves with mentors, spiritual parents, and godly counsel is of the imperative (“in the abundance of counselors there is victory/safety - Proverbs 24:6) to the success in our lives as faithful believers. But something I have had to learn the hard way is that God’s voice must be the utmost highest authority that guides and instructs us. The reason I believe this statement must be said with great care is because “our hearts are deceitful above all things” - Jeremiah 17:9 and having godly counsel is a way to safeguard against the blind spots of our own human frailty. Still, we must learn to hear his voice for ourselves and place this above any other authority.

Jesus did not bring any mentors into the wilderness when he was tempted by Satan. But he knew the Father and he knew the Word. There are some parts of our journey that no godly counsel can take us through except for the Lordship of the Father himself. The mistake I made over the years was constantly seeking godly counsel over truly waiting on God for myself until I had complete and utter peace in my decisions. We must know him for ourselves and not skim over the parts of discipleship that require longsuffering and patient endurance in intimacy with Him, when no one else is looking. There is a godly confidence that will arise within us when we truly take the time to commune with God. After many years of wrestling back and forth with the thought of if nursing was God’s will for my life, I could finally see in hindsight how in the times of deepest communion with God, I clearly could hear him ask me to surrender it. In times when I was furthest away from Him, I felt pretty confident in my own flesh about being a nurse. Pride reigned in place of surrender. I easily became comfortable going through the motions of working as a nurse. Not to mention the safety I found in a consistent paycheck, rather than in the Presence of God.

“Don’t Go Back to Your Nets”

On top of the fact that I have mentally, emotionally, and spiritually wrestled with this decision for years, I have also had a series of random events that have abruptly forced me out of my nursing career multiple times now.

Here’s a short snippet of what that has looked like: I’ll finally convince myself to listen to all the godly counsel that tell me that nursing is, indeed, God’s will for my life and I’ll accept a job as a nurse. Then, after not long, some crazy circumstance would force me to leave or change jobs that I had little to no control over. My very first nursing job out of college lasted an impressive one month due to the fact that I went through a relationship breakup and accidentally quit when I was trying to communicate my desire to be in a different department to my manager.

This is when I found myself working at a coffee shop just to make ends meet as I prayed and searched for a new job. One evening while I sat on my bedroom floor with Bible and journal open and guitar in hand, I deeply encountered the Lord, and this song came to my lips and poured out of my heart like oil from a jar on Jesus’ feet:

I’m giving all
I’m giving everything
I lay it down at your feet

This is all of me, in exchange for all of you
Take me deeper still
And I want to go where I’ve never been
Take me

I knew in the depths of my being that this meant surrender of my own ambitions. My nursing career. My pride. The comforts of this world. It meant following God to the ends of the earth if that’s what he required. A life laid in surrender, no matter how obscure it may look or uncomfortable and unconventional it may be.

It wasn’t long after that, a coworker and dear friend I had made while working at the coffee shop told me that he clearly heard God’s voice saying to me, “Don’t go back to your nets.” He explained the story of how Peter immediately turned back to his career in fishing after Jesus was crucified (and brought other disciples along with him). He had walked side by side with Jesus for three solid years: a life of all-or-nothing, hands-on, full-time ministry. Yet as soon as things didn’t turn out the way he expected, he gave up that life to go back to the old. An old wooden boat, some nets, and the smell of fish. I knew God had called me to a life of missions and ministry, but I constantly tried to fit in this thing called nursing because it’s what made sense in the flesh. It was the “wise” decision.

Well, I finally moved overseas. My visa got denied and I couldn’t stay. I landed back in the States and married to an amazing man who also felt called to missions and ministry. Maybe we would go together. The world got shut down by a virus. We couldn’t go overseas and there were no ministry opportunities stateside. My grandma needed to come and live with us. Bills needed to be paid. What else was I to do but to return to the thing I had trained to do?
I went back to my nets.

Four years later after many different nursing jobs, none of which were very consistent, that phrase began echoing in my mind like a distant beating drum that wouldn’t quit. I tried to ignore it (just being honest!), because again, I had fully convinced myself that I needed to get this experience and that it was the will of God. Well, after one short month at a new job, I got fired for simply not being a good fit. Again, I was abruptly forced out of my nursing career without choice.

I found out I was pregnant again that same month and our family also made some other huge life-changing decisions (which I plan to share more about very soon) that meant I would need to leave that job soon anyway. Even in the face of bad decisions (Peter forsaking Jesus and returning to his old life), Jesus faithfully reveals himself and provides in abundance for Peter and the disciples (John 21:1-19). He fills the empty nets with more fish than the disciples can haul in and asks them to dine with him beside the fire. He reveals himself as the resurrected man who overcame sin and death once and for all - worthy of being followed at all costs. He erases the shame Peter carried as the rooster crowed a third time and calls him to feed his sheep once more (John 21:15-17) He makes Peter a “fisher of men” (Matthew 4:19) and calls him to deny himself and take up his cross daily (Matthew 16: 24-26). A life lived in surrender. A life following Him. I see my being plucked from my last nursing job as his deep affection and kindness even in the face of poor decisions - Jesus preparing a feast for me. He sits on the shore and tends to the fire, never condemning, but calling me into deeper relationship with Him. His kind lips speak, “Come and dine” (John 21:12). I let loose the grip I hold on nets that no longer belong to me and thank him for his provision, nevertheless. He is faithful.

All that to say, I’m leaving my nets behind and trusting the Lord to fulfill his purposes for my life. I will always seek godly counsel, but more than anything, I will listen for that “still, small voice” - 1 Kings 19:12 - guiding me as I place one foot in front of the other. Day by day. Step by step. A journey of a thousand miles.