Sing, O Barren One
“Sing, O barren one, who did not bear; break forth into singing and cry aloud, you who have not been in labor! For the children of the desolate one will be more than the children of her who is married",” says the Lord. Enlarge the place of your tent, and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out; do not hold back; lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes. For you will spread abroad to the right and to the left, and your offspring will possess the nations and people the desolate cities.” Isaiah 54:1-3
October.
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. This time last year I was pregnant for the second time, and October 10th marks the year to the day I lost my sweet babe. My second miscarriage. The first came about gradually; the second, with full force. We were in the middle of painting our new home, dreaming about what color to paint the baby room. In an instant, my excited heart collapsed with the magnitude of this loss as I began to bleed. A total loss of control took over me as I could not stop the bleeding; I could do nothing in that moment to change the outcome, to keep my baby nestled safely inside of me. I sat on our empty bedroom floor, covered in white paint, and cried. Hard.
1 in 4 pregnancies will end in miscarriage.
1 in 8 women will struggle to become pregnant.
Just over a year ago, I never imagined I would fall into either of these statistics. After losing my first and second pregnancies, and still grieving the losses, I entered the second half of this journey to motherhood, unbeknownst to me at the time - trying to become pregnant again, only to be met with one line on a pregnancy test each month and the inevitable menstrual cycle returning without fail. You see, I got pregnant the first time we tried with both pregnancies, so although I knew pregnancy loss, I couldn’t imagine the emptiness that would be found in simply not getting pregnant. This is a different kind of pain no woman should ever have to experience. It is honestly difficult to type without becoming teary-eyed. It has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to walk through.
So why do I share all of this? It is not for pity. In all things, my desire is to bring all glory to God, even in the midst of the trial.
“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony.” Revelations 12:11.
God’s faithful ones overcame the Devil by the blood of Jesus, and the word of their testimony. The testimony doesn’t come when the promise comes. The testimony is how we obtain the promise. We speak it before we see it. That’s what faith does to our eyes - it allows us to see as God sees, outside of time and circumstances. God desires our vulnerable hearts, laid out before him in this way. Naked and bare, trusting in him when our physical eyes do not see and our feelings do not align with the truth we know deep down.
“Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah.” Psalm 62:8.
He cares deeply about our stories. Not just the victorious parts, but the in-betweens. The psalms are full of David’s “in-betweens” and difficult days, and he was considered a man after God’s own heart. Our stories show the Devil that we still believe. Our stories help others believe. Our stories matter to God and the world needs to hear them.
Although this has been the most difficult journey, it has tested and challenged my faith in ways I know I will be thankful for as I mother my children in the future. Although it has been a battle at times to cling to faith and trust that I will get pregnant and bring that pregnancy to term, I know that I know that I know that I will bear children - because God said. He has the final say and I will cling to his Word as long as I live.
In the context of Isaiah 54, the Israelites were tent-dwellers. When they had children and their family grew, they simply expanded their tents to add new rooms to the “house.” So when God commands the barren woman to “enlarge the place of your tent, and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out; do not hold back, lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes.” He is literally saying, “Prepare the baby room before you are even pregnant.” This is faith. I have applied that lesson to other areas of my life before I began this journey, but now I have the opportunity to take that literally. We never stopped calling the “baby room” the “baby room.” That’s what it is and will continue to be, and someday I will rock and nurse my child in that room. I have been challenged to take that a step further. Enlarge the place of your tent. Prepare for the promise- physically, emotionally, mentally. Hope against hope like Abraham did when all of the odds were against him (Romans 4:18). Do not allow the fear of disappointment stop you from going all out. I will do the same with you. I am currently in the works of creating my baby registry, buying baby clothes, and dreaming again about how I will decorate the baby room. I know I will be rewarded for my faith (Jeremiah 31:16).
If you are 1 in 4 or 1 in 8, and you have the desire to have more children, know that I am believing with you, and if that desire is in you, I fully believe that God will accomplish it for you and in you. He knows your desires and he is faithful. Many people will innocently encourage you with words of, “if it is God’s will, it will happen.” I urge you to search the scriptures and see for yourself what the Father has to say about the matter, clinging to his eternal Word. It cannot be altered or broken. He is a covenant keeping God and that is the end of it. If you can be stubborn in anything, be stubborn in believing his Word. It will change your life forever.
“I have spoken, and I will bring it to pass; I have purposed, and I will do it.” Isaiah 46:11.
Seek him and his Truth and immerse yourself in it until it infiltrates all of who you are. Even on your weakest days, find one Truth, one verse that you can cling to, and never let go. On most days, mine is Deuteronomy 7:13, “He will love you, bless you, and multiply you. He will bless the fruit of your womb and the fruit of your ground, your grain, your wine, and your oil, the increase of your herds and the young of your flock, in the land that he swore to your fathers to give to you.” He will love you, bless you, and multiply you, beloved daughter. Rest in this, hope again, and sing.
“For the Lord comforts Zion; he comforts all her waste places and makes her wilderness like Eden, her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness will be found in her, thanksgiving and the voice of song.” Isaiah 51:3