My apology

“You will learn most in times of deprivation, deep meditation, and silence of the soul before God. It is here where you will learn to renounce your own selfish spirit and to love humility, obscurity, weakness, and submission. These things, so despised by the world, are the accomplished teachers of all truths. Human knowledge can only stand in the way.” – Francois Fénelon.

I’ve had bits and pieces of this blog written in my journal for some time now but wasn’t sure how to put it all together. I guess I want to start by saying, “I’m sorry.”

On the journey of becoming more like Christ, we often fail at representing him well. We can only represent him as much as we know him. I know there is grace for the journey, so maybe I’m not really sorry, but what I can tell you is I’ve had it all wrong. Because maybe, just maybe, discipleship unto Jesus looks different than we think. Maybe we’ve created our own theology telling us what it “should” look like, but if we look a little further, we can see that Jesus had(s) a different idea.

I can tell you right now, I don’t come close to knowing all of the answers. With a whole lifetime ahead of me, I’m sure I may just scratch the surface of who God is by the end of it. But today, I am further along than I was yesterday, and for that, I am thankful, because when each day comes to a close, I can say I see him a little more clearly than the last. In this, I rejoice.

I feel I have recently turned a corner in my understanding of what it means to be a follower of Jesus. What started as a difficult “season” of surrender and dying to myself almost two years ago, I am beginning to embrace as the fundamental way of the Christian life, a journey we must venture for the entirety of our lives on earth. I have gone through these “seasons” of surrender before, only seasons, I thought, where he prunes us so that we can bear more fruit for him. But what if this was meant to be a lifestyle rather than just a season? In a world that celebrates “self-love, self-care, and self-promotion,” have we lost the foundational call of Jesus to bear up our crosses daily, “denying ourselves” in order to follow him? What if, truly, life is found in the “lowly place” with him? The place where we die to our own flesh? The place of resolute denial of our own ambitions? To come under him, even at the cost of everything the world may so sheepishly offer… As Jesus says in Matthew 16:24, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.”

So, in a world that celebrates independence, pursues a platform, and fights to be seen and heard, what does walking with God really look like? Do we still cling to a self-found security? Comfort? Our five year plan? Are we still, even in the context of our christian circles, living for ourselves, deciding what is right in our own eyes, fighting to gratify our own desires? Or have we yet to embrace the cross of the One in whom we say we follow? Do we lose our lives, so that we may find it? Or do we still hold tight grips on what is not even ours to claim?

“For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 16:25).

To sum it up in simpler terms… I am beginning to see that discipleship is a little upside-down, inside-out, and backwards than we first believed.

In a world that tells us otherwise, it looks something like death to self, surrender, the lowly place, losing ourselves, dependency.

And friends, it is also mysteriously, wonderfully, life.

What I apologize for is displaying anything other than these ideals.

Thoughts from my journal:

“I’d rather be lowly with God than exalted anywhere else.”

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“It’s not that God wants to cripple us; it’s just that… he kinda wants to cripple us. He wants us to recognize our neediness, that he may become our refuge and hiding place. We are but man, and he is God, and we have exalted ourselves above him long enough. Who are we to think we could live apart from him? Without him, we wouldn’t have the breath that is in our lungs in this very moment. You were, by nature, created to need God. Formed and fashioned to be utterly dependent. It is when we yield to this design where we find life. Dependency is not weak; it is strength due to the One in whom you are dependent. A kingdom with a righteous ruler delights in his reign and happily come under his statues. How much more should we boast in the one we are so privileged to come under? For he has defeated death and holds the keys to eternal life forever. He is worthy of our submission.

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“He will quiet you by his love.” -Zephaniah 3:17

I yearn for this quiet place. Maybe not even in circumstance, but in my soul, I yearn for stillness. Though my flesh cries out to be seen, to be heard, and to be filled with an abundance of words and activities, I have tasted the delightful fruit of a quiet life before you, and I long for more. Better it is with you to be poured out and emptied, silenced and stilled, slow and ever lowly, deeply hidden in the Almighty God. For here, I am safe. Is it that in the seeking for the approval of the world, we would forsake that in which our good Lord looks for in the son of man? For “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise” (Psalm 51:17). He looks not for a heart aroused by the amusements of the world, but a quieted heart before him, our God seeks. Oh, how my soul delights in the Law of the Lord, however contrary to all I have ever known. By your Spirit, Lord, help me, I know not how to quiet myself. It is your love, alone, Oh Lord, that I am comforted. Only by your love do I find this peace.”

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“The further along I go with God, the more I desire to hide away with him. To be hidden and not seen, abandoned from the world and lost away in his Presence. I just want to go deeper into him until there is nothing left of me. When I speak, I want only his voice to be heard, lest I not say a word at all. For the more I see him, the more I loath the fleshy parts of self that still need to die in order for him to be more fully revealed.”

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“Papa, help me abide in the lowly place. Though the ruthless self within me struggles to come up for air, that it may save itself, I will choose to remain here, in the deep waters of your mercy. They change me. You are much closer than I once thought. You say you are near to the broken-hearted, and so, contrite and spilled over I will continue to be, that I may take just once glance into the eyes of the one who set me free. Jealous for your bride, you are; and it is you who draws your beloved to this place of sweet dependency. For here, I find you; I find life; I find rest for my soul. “